Codependency explored in my new book Descent

My new book, Descent, will officially be released tomorrow!!! I wanted to let you all know that there are many different themes explored in this book. It is an intergenerational story about a black middle-class family from my hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. It is fiction.

One of the biggest themes in the book is codependency. I believe codependency doesn’t get discussed enough outside the context of a romantic relationship. My book is about a family so it explores codependency through familial relationships.

There is one character that really wants to form a bond with her family member and fears she never will. The character has only experienced trauma bonding with this relative. Trauma bonding is real. Trauma bonding is when you develop only a connection with someone through trauma. This occurs very often in families and simply people ignore it.

My book shows how this can play out over time in families. It causes a lot of destruction. The title comes out of the “falling” of a family. There is not a literal “falling” but a figurative falling away that comes from bad blood that goes way back. It’s up to the younger generation to fix the issues. This is the main theme of my book.

Codependency is when you don’t have confidence in yourself that you can make it without someone else. Many times codependency comes out of having a narcissist for a parent. The children of a narcissist and controlling parent sometimes find themselves in the role of people pleasing to their detriment. They fall into this weird role of needing validation from others for them to feel good about themselves. You can imagine how this can be horrible over time. These are people who usually end up in abusive marriages and rarely have friends. They spend more time running behind their abusers for attention than loving on themselves.

Codependent people suffer from low self-esteem. Unfortunately, they start learning young to seek others for validation instead of learning to have their own unique thoughts. This is very problematic. They learn way too late or never that their voice matters just as much as others. They need to understand their opinions matter just like anyone else.

TAKE Up SpACE! Demand to be heard and respected!

They care too much about what others think about them including family and friends. Family members take advantage of the fact that they know these people suffer from low self-esteem and seek validation so they easily pick on them. They also easily take advantage of them. These folks become adult bullies to codependent people.

Instead of being around people who will help them validate their feelings…they flock to those who tear them down. Even when they have good ideas they fail to stand their ground with people. Instead of saying, “That’s fine but I think my idea is really good and we should at least try it”…they will quickly say “Yes, you are right” just to keep the peace.

This is what it looks like when family members take advantage of codependent relatives

“Nobody cares what you think.”

“You are stupid.”

“I don’t like how you dress.”

“Why can’t you do this the way I do it?”

Codependent people also are frequently gaslighted by others. Gaslighting is when you invalidate a person’s feelings. You make their feelings seem insignificant. This is what gaslighting sounds like…

“You aren’t very smart are you? Let me dumb this down for you.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about. You NEED me.”

“Nobody believes you because you lie all the time.”

“No one will ever believe you over me. I’m important.”

“Your little ideas aren’t as good as mine.”

“You are weak.”

“I don’t care about your feelings.”

“Nobody loves you. Get over it.”

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

I hope some of you take a moment after reading this or reading my book and looking into codependency between parent and child. It’s very deep. My book doesn’t go that deep into it but definitely addresses it. I just show a different take on it since my goal was to make my book suspenseful.

My book is actually available now for purchase on Amazon.com. if you want to get it early! The official release is tomorrow, but I’m fine with people wanting to get it today.

Enjoy!