This is the Teaser post in preparation for Mental Health Awareness Month (May). I will share my knowledge of NPD until the end of the Earth. I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I am not a nurse or doctor so this is the best way I can “save” someone.
Please check out “The Narcissists’ Code” podcast with Lee Hammock. It is so important to hear his words. He is a diagnosed person with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) who is very self-aware and wants to help people.
https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/the-narcissists-code-lee-hammock-jvB-nN5S1dY/
I can’t express enough how important it is to read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Yes, it is a personality disorder. It is not something you are born with. It is caused by environmental forces (i.e. the way you were raised). It is common for an NPD person to have had a parent that had NPD. I address some of the red flags in my first book Just A Unicorn (available for purchase on Amazon). I am on a mission to make sure EVERYONE is aware to steer clear of these toxic people. Please don’t make the mistake I did and get in a relationship with someone like that.
I don’t want to get too deep into it, because I do want people to purchase my book if they haven’t already. What I will mention is that it starts with how you feel about yourself. I talk about all of that in my book. Narcissists can spot people who have low self-esteem. They can spot them a mile away. [Yes, I’m saying publicly I had really low self-esteem]. They seek out people who have low self-esteem and are people-pleasers. They want to date empaths (empathetic people). They seek out people who have difficulty saying “no” because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or because they don’t like making people angry.
In some cases, the non-NPD person had a parent that was domineering and had anger issues. The non-NPD kid grows up making sure to not do anything to anger that parent. Yet, imagine what that really teaches the kid? It teaches the kid that the parent’s emotions/feelings are more important. It teaches them feeling protected is not important. All that matters is that their parent is feeling OK. And this exact same dynamic shows up in their relationships later.
Unfortunately, a kid doesn’t understand that yet. They walk eggshells around their partner to not upset them – just as they did with the parent who had anger issues. Remember: It’s all about control.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in dating a person with NPD is how manipulative they can be. They are extremely manipulative. They also like to control everyone and everything around them. The way a lot of narcissistic like to control relationships is through financial abuse. Many people don’t talk about that. I will talk about it for a moment.
The situation is twofold.
When The Truth Reveals Itself
It’s easy to get caught up. Don’t blame yourself because many NPD people can be charming in the beginning. You don’t see what is coming.
Many NPD people like paying for dates/trips in the beginning during the love-bombing stage. “Love-bombing” is when your partner goes overboard lavishing you with kisses, compliments, great intimacy, and gifts. After the love-bombing wears off, they stop paying for pretty much anything. It happens so quickly. They all of a sudden don’t want to go out because they don’t have the money. Even if you offer to pay, they get angry because they think you are “showing them up”. You can’t win!
They are so insecure that they take everything out on you instead of being honest that they just don’t have the money to go on certain dates. They don’t want you to know that though. They never want you to know the truth – because then they would be exposed for the frauds they are. It’s more likely they didn’t really have the money at the start of the relationship either, but somehow got the funds to lavish you to get you to fall in love with them. It was never meant to last. They eventually turn on you and call you a “golddigger” or something when you start wondering why things changed. Why can’t you go on trips anymore? Why can’t you go to restaurants anymore?
Again, the issue is not about things changing. The issue is about deceit – not being open and honest about the financial situation. This is called financial abuse. A good girlfriend or boyfriend would not care if your financial situation wasn’t what they thought it was. They would be understanding if you were just honest. It’s the dishonesty that is the issue. It’s the hiding and pretending you are something you are not that is the issue. It’s not OK to present yourself as someone that makes six figures to impress in the beginning. Then get angry when you get exposed for not being that person. The issue is not the girlfriend or boyfriend that exposed you. The issue is you lied and presented yourself as someone you weren’t. Yet, this is what narcissists do. They do this all the time. They have imposter syndrome. They live with imposter syndrome 24/7 but aren’t honest with themselves or anyone else about it. They would rather people believe the fantasy they created of themselves.
Another way they can be financially abusive is by not ever paying for anything. This is how an NPD person controls their partner. Sometimes, the NPD person likes when their partner doesn’t have a job or doesn’t make as much money because they think now they can control the situation. They can’t control the situation when their partner makes good money or better money than they do. They usually don’t like that because then they look at their partner as competition. They don’t like competing with anyone. They don’t like feeling inadequate.
In my particular situation, the person never liked to spend money – ever! He didn’t like going out because he didn’t want to spend money on me. He never felt like I deserved it. I wasn’t good enough. Let me be clear – he never said those words to me in the beginning. I’m not that crazy. These are the words that came later.
I wasn’t worth spending his hard-earned money on dates. It’s crazy that I didn’t realize he was like this until months into the situation. I had no idea how selfish and hateful he could be. He didn’t act like that in the beginning. They never do. The sad part is that my self-esteem was so low that I accepted this behavior. (I know better now). Unfortunately, it took me too long to get out of that situation. It should have been a huge red flag and it wasn’t. Not right away.
The most frightening part about dating a person with NPD is that they have no empathy. They can hurt you day in and day out (emotionally and sometimes physically, sexually,and financially) and feel nothing. Ironically, they also don’t like being exposed. So, many will make sure they look good to your friends and family but behind closed doors they treat you like trash.
He preferred if we were hungry that I cook or we would stop at a fast food place and I pay for my meal and he pay for his. I got used to this poor treatment. I really did start believing I wasn’t worth anyone wanting to buy me even a card. He just didn’t do anything for me and I allowed it. The one time I did request to go out to eat (for once) he said OK. I knew something was up because he normally didn’t like going to restaurants with me. As soon as we were seated – he told me when the waitress gets back to back sure I tell her we are splitting the bill. Like, threatened me! He was not kind about it at all. I did what I was told and made sure the waitress knew it would be separate checks.
The crazy part is that he threatened me. It was so hurtful. It made no sense to even threaten me because I never expected him to pay for me anyway. Why would he pay for me that evening when he never did before?! I already had my money to pay for my meal (isn’t that sad)? I knew what to expect so it made no sense at all to threaten me about splitting the bill. I always carried my own money. Always!
I learned early on I could never depend on him. Let’s just say I learned early in life that some men were not dependable – I was always going to have to depend on myself. I never grew up feeling like I would ever “be taken care of”. It isn’t that I didn’t want to be taken care of in certain moments…I just wasn’t treated well so I gave up on thinking someday my Prince would come.
I make it my mission now to tell people to advocate for themselves in relationships. Make sure you are being treated the way you deserve. Don’t settle for less. Make sure you heal from trauma before forcing yourself into relationships you don’t need to be in. Don’t settle for just anybody because you are lonely. Learn the signs of NPD. Steer clear of these toxic people. Teach your kids to ask lots of questions about people before they start friendships with someone who may have NPD (or start a relationship).
As Lee says, “the best way to hurt a narcissist is to simply move on. Do good with your life without them. You don’t even need to let them know what you are doing. Just move on”.
Best advice ever!
Mindful Impressions 