I’m Sad Some People Didn’t Grow Up With Love

#Growth.

I know people who were raised by parents who didn’t treat them well. They didn’t get the love they should have gotten from the people who were supposed to support and protect them. Some of the mothers chose their abusive boyfriends over their young children. Some of the fathers became addicted to alcohol and/or drugs and was not emotionally available. Unfortunately, many people didn’t receive what they should have received as children and later sought out ‘love’ in all the wrong places.

These are the stories that get me down. I have heard more and more of these stories in the last ten years and it breaks my heart. I have met more men than I would like to count that had toxic mothers. The mothers were overbearing and emotionally abusive. The mothers didn’t tell their sons they loved them. The sons were later molested by older neighborhood girls or young women. I wish I didn’t know so many men who were molested or raped at 9, 10, and 11 by young women in their early 20s. The media has tried to convince us these little boys loved their experiences. I can’t speak to every situation, but the many men I know who had these encounters were not happy. They left the situation more confused than ever about what love should look and feel like. These men later went on to confuse love, lust, and sexual perversion.

I wrote this post to put these scenarios out there because we sweep them under the rug too much. I plan to have a month dedicated to mental health in the future where we really explore how situations like this can lead to so many types of trauma. Trauma is real. Trauma needs to be discussed as often as possible because we can’t avoid it. We will all face it. We just need to learn how to properly acknowledge it and address it.

What happens is that these little boys grow up not learning coping mechanisms to handle their pain. Society also is not set up to allow men to process hurt. We need to do better for our sons, nephews, neighbors, godsons, and grandsons. When you don’t learn healthy ways to cope you lash you. You get angry. You hurt other people. We have to help these men not reach for the bottle when all they really need is a shoulder to cry on. We need to tell them it’s OK to let the tears flow. It’s OK to be upset that your mother wasn’t there. It’s OK to be upset that your father wasn’t there. It’s OK to let all of that out.

We need to teach these men there are healthier ways to navigate this world. We don’t need to play tit for tat because that’s just destructive for any relationship (whether familial, platonic, or romantic). I have seen the ‘you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you back’ scenario play out way too much! People who do this are still emotionally children. They never stopped being eight or stepped out of the playground. People who faced trauma at a young age like these young men usually never emotionally age past their first upsetting situation.

If their mothers didn’t nurture them and she slaps them at five, then thats the beginning of the trauma. Many of these boys hold onto that exact same hurt and pain well into adulthood. What you will encounter are men who are chronologically 35 but emotionally stuck at five. They can’t communicate properly, they can’t love properly, and are selfish. They treat everything like how 5 year-olds treat their toys: don’t touch my toy! That’s mine! They can become very territorial with their stuff and their lives. They become very sensitive about being able to control everyone and everything around them. They need to have the sense of control over their lives they never had as children.

This is what they learn in their formative years when they don’t have a good blueprint. They don’t share anything: details about their family, work life, etc. They shut down quickly. They never learn how to deal with problems or come up with solutions. Many of these men run away instead of having to face anything. They either run away physically (from their previous lives…they abandon their children) or they partake in as many self-destructive behaviors that are humanly possible. It all makes me so sad.

To those men: I’m sorry you didn’t have the love you deserved from your mother. I’m sorry you didn’t receive the love you deserved from your father. I’m sorry you didn’t receive the love you deserved from either of your parents. I’m so sorry! I grieve with you the loss of your innocence.

To all the little boys and now men out there who have had these situations happen to you – know that I stand with you! Help is out there. Real help. The type of help that won’t further harm you if you just give it a chance. Please check with your local trauma centers, psychologists, or psychiatrist. Please talk to your Human Resource representative because most companies will allow you several free therapy sessions.

Peace and love!!! We are in this together. You are not alone. We are all here to grow!