One of the biggest challenges of growing up is learning when to move on. This is one of the parts of life that people don’t really know how to help navigate you. Many times we end up floating in the wind for awhile before realizing how to settle ourselves back to the ground. When is it time to move on from a relationship?
In a relationship, I think most of us know when it’s time to move on. We just live in denial. We know the red flags exist but we ignore them. Many baby boomers didn’t marry the people they should have married and exist in unhappy marriages and expect us to do the same.
Personal happiness was not a consideration until more recently. Our society has always existed in a “we” vs “I” situation. Back in the day, when you got married you married the family. So, everybody thought they had a say so in whatever happened or didn’t happen in your marriage. This is still one of the biggest mistakes people make when they get married. They involve too many people in their marriage. In some societies, there are arranged marriages for either traditional reasons or religious reasons. I won’t delve into that here. I realize many of those situations involve other factors for why the marriage is set up a certain way. If you exclude those scenarios and focus on the typical marriages we think of today then we know personal satisfaction is becoming more and more of a factor.
People married for many different reasons back in the day compared to now. Women didn’t have many rights so they had to marry otherwise they wouldn’t have access to anything. A woman was basically her dad’s property and then passed along for the husband to be responsible for after marriage. It has only been in the last four decades that women could even get a checking account or a credit card in her name. Women couldn’t do any of those things because it was thought women were basically children and couldn’t think well enough for themselves. Men thought women couldn’t be responsible with money or much of anything beyond childrearing.I often wonder if half of the women who got married back in the day would have married if they had the options my generation has today.
I worked in retail when I was 20. I came across many different types of women from different ethnicities and socioeconomic statuses. I think back to that time in my life because now I wish I could have collected a quarter for every time a woman approached me to tell me to not rush into marriage. I would have now been a multimillionaire. I am not joking! I never asked back then why they felt the need to tell me. I really wish I had. When I tell you that it was all types of women…different races and ethnicities but all over 40…I mean it. They would start talking to me about a shirt or something and then ask my age. As soon as they heard my age they asked if I was married. I was always confused about it because I thought 20 was so young back then. Who gets married at 20? It wasn’t the 1950s anymore.
Anyway, they would immediately say, “don’t be in a hurry to get married. Just don’t do it! Live your life first.” It was always the same thing. These women scared me! Haha. I wasn’t even thinking about marriage anyway at 20 but they still scared me. I just remember thinking how horrible must it be if all these women are telling me the same thing. These are not women that know each other. They aren’t from the same ethnic group or socioeconomic status. They all told me the same thing! I didn’t understand back then that these women came up in a very different time than I did. These are women that were all over 40 at that point.
They would have all been born in either late 1950s or early 1960s. So, they were my age by the early 1980s. Remember how I just mentioned that women couldn’t even own a checking account in her own name until the mid 1970s. Sadly, even well into the 1980s some banks and other establishments still wouldn’t let a woman do anything without her husband present. I didn’t know the history of the women’s movement or feminism or womanism when I was 20. (Note: I am not here to say whether I subscribe to feminism or womanism. This is not the post for that discussion).
I am not against marriage at all. I believe that it is one of the most powerful unions when you marry the RIGHT person at the RIGHT time. Yet, many people don’t marry the right person. Many people don’t even get into relationships with the right person. Some people are so stubborn they don’t even want to break up with someone when they know it’s toxic just because they don’t want to hear “I told you so”.
I am against people being forced or feeling like they are being forced to stay in unhealthy relationships or marriages because it will look bad on the family. No one should feel like they have to stay in a toxic situation because of society or family. We need to stop pushing this idea of staying in toxic marriages “for the children” or because it will shame the family. No, you need to move on! If the marriage is that toxic it will end up being the best “for the children” if the couple separate. Peace in a home is underrated.
It’s time to move on from a relationship when you can’t get peace. I have to have my peace! I can’t be around toxicity. If you are blocking my blessings then it is time to move on from the relationship. If we are not feeding into each other so we can both grow then it’s time to move on. If both people are not supporting each other in all aspects of life then it is time to move on. If you feel you have to put me down to build yourself up because you have so many insecurities then it’s time for me to move on. If we are not on the same page with finances and how to build wealth then it’s time to move on! If you are not on the same page when it comes to having a religion/no religion or spirituality then it’s time to move on! When you are not on the same page about having children then it’s time to move on! If you don’t share some of the same ideas regarding morals/values/distribution of household responsibilities than you need to move on! If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship you need to move on! If you are in a physically abusive relationship then you need to move on! If you are in a financially abusive relationship then you need to move on!
Get out! Go far away! Your safety (and if you have children – the safety of your children) is imperative! Your sanity is what’s important. Your PEACE is IMPORTANT!
Say it with me: I WILL PROTECT MY PEACE OF MIND!
Just do it. You can do it. PROTECT YOUR PEACE!
And let’s settle this now – this message is not just for women. This message is for EVERYONE. Men are abused in their relationships at alarming rates. Many men are abused but obviously don’t report it out of shame or being emasculated. If you read my last paragraph above and only thought about women, you were reading it all wrong. Go back and read it again!
Until next time…